Daddy's Little Girl (not little for the world)

During the growing up days, it wasn’t easy to talk to Baba (Dad) on most things. Even the faintest names of guys would trigger a tremor too great to withstand. And it would result on a week long Hitler rule of:

* No guys calling at home
* Curfew after 7 in the evening
* Usual search of belongings to ensure the safety of my innocence
* Cross-checking my whereabouts to detect loopholes
The list was endless…and too embarrassing to get into the details at times.

Time changed, I grew and so did his rules. But one thing that never changed in Baba was his innate desire to ‘protect’ me from this big, bad world. Life hasn’t been too kind to me and with my homecoming after all these years he still wants to take care of his little girl (who is now in her mid 30’s soon to fall in the category of auntyji). So much so that he has no qualms in repeating directions to me and even goes to the extent of teaching me how to cross the busy roads. “Look on your right, then on your left, again on your…,” I interrupt too embarrassed. “So what?” he says, “You will always be little for me”. And still I see his eyebrows form that familiar expression hearing a male voice on my phone. More importantly, he never shies away from the patent statutory warning, “be careful”.
Today, when I brought his beloved car to work for the very first time in my life; I did feel his love clouding me. I drove very carefully, more cautiously than ever knowing that I can’t afford to make a mistake. Almost, as if I could overhear the all familiar tone, “Bete, be safe”.
I know it is not easy to stay with your parents at my age, but sometimes I do feel I am blessed. I know I am not too easy to live with, I scold him and he doesn’t protest. He continues fretting about me unfazed by my mood swings.
Thankfully, HE IS THERE! (And so is his car)

Ding Ding

Simplicity is the best gift that we don’t treasure when we are young. Later on when you lose your innocence, your virginity, your hair among many more; do you realize the loss. Lately, at my place of work I happened to meet a young Intern who makes me miss my days of innocence. And I pray I could preserve hers for her.
She has a vocabulary, version and vision which no matter how many earthquakes strike will find it absolutely difficult to shake. So when the Hero of a movie woos his heroine she smartly says, “ding ding ho gaya”. I keep asking her again and again just to enjoy the ‘ding-ding’ in her words.
She has a clear vision of whom she will marry, when she will marry and has even named the kids she will have. And blatantly declares it to the world with a self-belief that no storms can destroy. Quite oblivious to the complexities of life and destiny. Wish I could be so immaculate in my planning when I was stationed at her age, maybe then life would have been different for me.
She is the epitome of confidence. Cuddly, unconscious about the expanding territories of her body along with a love for food too supreme to partake the sessions of painful workout. While I starve myself and keep telling the mind not to overindulge in food. Wish I could be so carefree in the confidence of youth.
She is bravely opinionated and doesn't spare criticizing the top-notch bosses on the smallest of pretext. While my professional experiences have taught me to avoid conflicts and never doubt the sanity of top authorities. Is it my short shortsightedness or her fiery youthfulness that doesn't let fear overpower?
Part of me envies her and the other part knows that she shall change because the loss of innocence is an inevitable process. All I pray that atleast her life goes as per plans…mine hasn't, atleast somebody’s right? And she is lucky in her Ding-Ding.

Wings on fire

Too tiny to struggle, too bruised to recover
The wings on fire, she knew the end could be near
Yet the spirit behind the tiny body just wouldn’t give up
So, she plunged into the ocean of hope and survival

To heal the bruises of despair and destruction
To breathe in to life like ever before
To recover and let go
To new beginnings and aspirations

To stop being a victim and show the world
“That a little bird can fly with her wings on fire.”

As long as...

With some many incidents of rapes and rising crime against women, I begin to wonder has the world become a much worse place to be if you’re a woman. I could see many nod their head in approval and I wouldn’t have agreed more.
But then I saw a heavily pregnant woman being held firmly by her partner, waving at the traffic to make way for her to cross the road. The woman was moving with great difficulty yet she was radiant with pride being held by her man who wouldn’t hesitate to risk his life for her.
Then I saw an elderly couple, rather very elderly couple. The woman was in a wheelchair and her man was pulling her slowly. They were busily chatting with each other. Their bodies were old, not their heart for then I saw the man stopping at a florist and picking a huge bunch of red roses for her. Now, tell me how many young men would do that for their women?
The other day, I saw a woman getting down of the bus and smile at the man who was waiting for her at the stop. They were not rich by worldly standards yet they were happy. She quickly popped in the tiny passenger seat of his bicycle. All I overheard was him worrying about her extended hours at work and she worrying about what to feed him for dinner.
As long as we keep getting glimpses of these sites in our lives, the heart feels reassured. We will continue to believe in the goodness of life, love and our loved ones. We will continue to trust and know that love will heal all…maybe conquer all fears too…
And I will continue to feed myself on the happily-ever-after novels of Anna Jacob, which are becoming such a mood boaster for me. And which re-strengthens my belief in happy –endings.

Hi...after a long time!!

Have to admit that lately I have been on the lazier side with my pen…and apologies for keeping you waiting (the countable few who wait to read my latest entry).
Life is challenging with its newness for me…a new life, a new country…even the weather is new to me quite reverse to India. Can you believe it is chilling cold here right now? And I hate winters.
My sleep pattern is screwed up completely. My body stills thinks it is in India and I struggle tossing during nights. Sometimes I wake-up to the embarrassing sounds of lovemaking of the young neighbours who seems to be never having enough. It is good to be young and I wish I knew it when I was at that age. I wish I could worry less and stop the mind from racing thoughts. I worry about my job. I’ve never struggled to pick one in India but here applications after applications get no response, not even a phone call to attend an interview. Even for the entry-level position, nobody seems to be hiring me. Will I ever get a job in this country? I don’t know…the frustration levels climb high and then I tell myself “This too shall pass”.
But that hasn’t deterred my spirits completely. I did venture out to try new avenues. Finished a course in Hairdressing with flying colours wherein I came the longest way from being unable to hold a blow-dryer to mastering it. The course was fun every bit and I grieved after the finish. Why do good things come to an end so easily? I am better with managing my unruly curls as well as styling it and trust me the feeling is of triumph when people notice. I am hair-fully transformed.
One highlight has been the amazing neighbourhood library where I became a member for free. I feel blessed to be able to read plenty of books from the well-stocked library. It is a treat to me that there is so much to read and the government takes so much of care to maintain without charging a cent from the community. Enjoying every bit of it and hoping that somebody takes a cue from it in India too…life with books can be so much pleasurable.
(Just the random thoughts that came to the mind…no story to tell though, do let me know if you did anything interesting while my pen was taking a nap)

Sex and kids

The not-more than 16 something said, “The best way to keep your man is give enough sex because if you won’t then somebody else would.” The preacher had two more audience all of the same age group and still wearing school uniforms.
Now, my not-so-liberal upbringing hasn’t heard such preaching in my mid-thirties life, maybe, I wasn’t smart enough to have such smarter friends. Well, obviously I was scandalised. So much so that my mouth voluntarily opened and I managed to get some attention from my fellow passengers in the bus.
I couldn’t help eavesdropping for some more pearls of wisdom. She continued, “Honestly there are lots of women around you ready to steal your man if he has money.”
Oh my God! How come she had so much wisdom at such a young age when I was still in my diapers (when coming to relationships)? Every generation is smarter than the previous I am told but this generation Y is definitely wiser too.
I was impressed with her worldly wisdom but scared with the flooding of innocence at such a young age. Suddenly, I am petrified on the issues of raising a child and others issues attached with parenthood. I would like to intact my child’s innocence for as long as I can. Weren’t our parents lucky enough to be spared the worries of overexposure of the internet and mobile phones? They never had to wake up in the middle of the night and tip-toe silently to check on me about the content of my interest on the internet.
Like a friend of mine was worried about finding his elder daughter going through a social network site looking for the perfect way to kiss. It was a nightmare and he lost his sleep over the next few days till he could find an option to filter some sites. But then that isn’t full-proof.
On the contrary, I feel it was much easier for our previous generation to raise us kids with lesser intellect, made to live in our make-belief world. That is why they could think of having as many kids as they wanted while we plan, plan and have our handfuls with just two at the end.
Happy parenting to my generations!

Happy New Year

Born in this world after years of prayers

Nurtured with care and values of goodness

I was the daughter, you deeply loved

I was the sister, your trusted ally over the years

I was the friend, who made you laugh

I was the lover, you just couldn’t live without

I was the woman, the world would have been proud of

But the end came much before my time

Cut short by the atrocities of the criminal minds

Raped and abandoned, my cries went unheard

I fought really hard to survive

My body was violated yet my spirits rang high

I lost the battle yet I won

I forced you to raise one united voice against these crimes

I made you sit and agitate for a cause

And as you put me to rest, here’s what I pray


Hope that the world gets safer in this New Year and the years that goes by...